This is personal! Perhaps it is more appropriate for a private journal. But, being vulnerable might help me overcome a weakness I’ve fought for years; a weakness that puts a strain on my most cherished relationships, and my discipleship.  Perhaps these thoughts will help others in this world of back-and-forth assertions with little respect and self-evaluation. The short coming is, “I’m too impatient and judgmental with others when I feel mis-understood or brushed-off.” I’ve tried a lot to stop doing it, but long-term persistence of this un-Christ-like behavior makes me believe that I can’t truly change without God’s help. This is especially true, “in a world filled with dizzying distractions.” President Russell M. Nelson proclaimed, “Now is the time for us to make our discipleship our highest priority.” (Nelson, The Lord Jesus Christ Will Come Again, General Conference, October 2024)

In our service missionary calling we commit to confidentiality as addicts share with us their challenges and progress ‘working the steps’ of recovery. They come seeking support. I cannot share their stories with you. However, since my non-chemical shortcoming is mine, I can share my story with you in hopes that sharing will help in my recovery. In Step 1 of “Healing through the Savior – 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program (ARP),” the addicts we work with “admit that we, of ourselves, are powerless to overcome our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable.” ARP Steps one through three emphasize faith, humility and trust in God. The other steps dig into self-inventory, honesty, turning our shortcomings over to God, and restitution followed by service to others.

In conversation with our Honolulu Family Services manager, I discussed my desire to apply the 12 steps to my own shortcomings. He recommended another church publication called, “Finding Strength in the Lord – Emotional Resilience.” I acquired a copy then Joan and I started studying it together. While working through the early sections I thought, “Yes!” with a mental fist-pump. “This may be more applicable to what I’m struggling with.” We read about faith centered in Jesus Christ, activities that strengthen faith, and adapting to emotional challenges…” And then a grin of hope re-shaped my face and heart when I read this applicable statement by Elder David A. Bednar. “To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon…” (David A. Bednar, “And Nothing Shall Offed Them,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2006, 90)

My eyebrows raised when we got to the ‘Triggers’ section. “Yes,” I thought. “I need to understand the triggers of my emotional reactions.” As an engineer I know all about control systems and how specific system behavior is governed by what is within the system as well as the external environments, inputs and triggers to the system. This ‘triggered’ my attention (pun intended) and I went to work, breaking it down as instructed in the manual while continually “[looking] unto [God] in every thought,” (D&C 6:36) and remembering that “the worth of souls (my soul, and everyone else) is great in the sight of God.” (D&C 18:10).

From a list of common inaccurate thinking patterns I circled two that I thought might be at the root of my problem: 

1. Jumping to Conclusions (e.g. assuming the worst intentions by the person), and 
2. Discounting the positive (e.g. focusing on this moment, forgetting all the good things the person has done for me)

Then, in response to the question, “Why do we sometimes think these ways?” I wrote: To excuse, justify, beat-up, or protect myself, and blame others. These are emotional feelings and allowed me to further clarify my weakness as follows. When I am in conversation and express myself, if the other person responds or acts in an unexpected way I pridefully tend to feel ignored, un-appreciated, brushed-off, discounted, or mis-understood. I feel judgmental, offended, blaming and angry followed by a secondary reaction of self-criticism, thinking “I didn’t explain myself very well.” I then tend to snap-back and the relationship suffers.

The manual then presents this step. “After you identify your inaccurate thinking patterns, the next step is to try and change them to more accurate, truthful thoughts. You can invite the Savior’s influence by challenging your thoughts and asking whether they are true.” For example: Is this thought something the Savior would want me to think or feel? Is the person really ignoring me or discounting what I’m saying? Is the person really brushing me off? Is the person truthfully uncaring about what I said? Considering all I know about this person, does it make sense that they would deliberately respond unfavorably? What do I know about myself and them that tells me my thinking about them in this moment is not correct?

The Spirit directed me to a recent Come, Follow Me lesson. I remembered how the Lord chastened his people when they were not following his direction. He said, “whom I love I also chasten… [and] I prepare a way for their deliverance…” (D&C 95:1) I re-read this section of scripture and based on the Lords actions I compiled a list of personal actions to help me overcome my weakness. 

1. Be patient and clear explaining what I say, giving a little more background and purpose, 
2. Be patient in listening and reaction, responding slower and with clarity, assuming the person cares even when their response seems otherwise, 
3. Be patient, listen more than speak. 

I note the glaring repetition of, “Be patient” in this counsel. Following instructions, I re-evaluated my “feeling mis-understood” emotional triggers in the table below where I contrasted thinking errors with more accurate and productive thoughts. My next step? Having more faith with action, remembering the worth of all, and patiently waiting on the Lord in all my communications. I’m humbly praying for success. Thanks for listening.